I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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