a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We left the knife in your bed.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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