Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
