the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm way too hungover for life right now
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
