Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
