Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
