I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
