Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
My breasts were aching with rage.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
