the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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