The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
