Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
