I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
