He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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