Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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