apparently the secret to your success is patron
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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