I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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