loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
