where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
