The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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