Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
