youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
