so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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