why didn't you poke me back
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
