im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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