So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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