One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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