and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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