How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
