He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize