We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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