don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
