omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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