you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize