News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
