I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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