you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
