then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize