Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
