i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Randomize
