capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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