I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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