I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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