im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Found your dick twin last night
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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