I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
