I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
