So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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