...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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