im about as happy as oj after his trial
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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