Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
