Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize