i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
