Don't make out with my wife yet
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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