i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
