I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize