I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
