i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
