i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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