it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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