I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
