My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
