You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize